December 8, 2011
Woody gets lucky…sort of
Does it ever bother you guys how much I refer to myself in the first person? (Or is it the third person?) I guess it’s because my name is not really Woody, so sometimes I think of myself as a character in a story. Yet these are true stories. You can tell they’re true because I’m almost never the hero! If they were fiction I might actually get laid once in a while.
Which brings me to tonight’s post. I got laid. Sort of. Does it count if you don’t cum? DON’T ANSWER THAT! I can practically hear the ladies screaming at me from here.
Let’s get started. A month ago I put up a post in the regular dating section of craigslist stating that I was separating and that I would like to meet a nice woman for drinks, possibly at one of my gigs. I received a response from a woman named Kathy who lived in Berkeley. We emailed back and forth but were not able to find a time to connect.
The Friday of Thanksgiving weekend I received an email from Kathy asking if I was playing anywhere that night. I wasn’t, but I suggested we meet for a drink.
That night we met at a bar nearby my apartment. She was a little heavier than she looked in her photo, and she was tall, a good inch taller than me. Truth be told I wasn’t that attracted to her, but we sat down and we got along well. The conversation, though not deep, flowed pretty easily and there were few lulls.
At some point – I can’t remember how we got there — she started talking about women’s undergarments, in particular pantyhose — why people wore them, and how they are now out of style, etc. This morphed into talk of girdles and panties. Finally I couldn’t resist:
“What underwear are you wearing?”
“I’m not wearing any.”
Then she asked me what underwear I was wearing and I responded that I was wearing boxer briefs and a tshirt. She put her hand on the inside of my shirt as if to confirm that I was, in fact, wearing a tshirt under my sweater. Then I put a hand on her leg, and all of a sudden she was kissing me full on the lips.
I’m not a big one for public displays of affection, especially in my own neighborhood, but this came straight out of left field. Five minutes later I asked Kathy if she would like to come back to my place and she said yes.
Ten minutes after that we were naked in my bed having sex. She had a nice body — her ass was firm and her breasts were pert — I guess she wasn’t that overweight after all. I thought things were going well, but fifteen or so minutes into our love-making she got up to go to the bathroom. When she emerged she began putting on her clothes.
“Where are you going?!” She mumbled something about having to get back because she lives with her mother.
COME ON!
One, that is a bullshit excuse, and two, COME ON!
True, we both had a lot to drink that night, but you would think that she would have at least taken the time to explain herself.
Two minutes later I was standing naked in my apartment by myself with my jaw agape. I mean, this could only happen to me, couldn’t it?
Crazy thing, though. I didn’t brood about it. I wasn’t attracted to her, and if she was going to be so erratic then maybe it was better that I found out so soon. She actually gave me a few erotic memories to look back on. (as long as I blot out the part with her getting up and leaving the apartment)
What are you going to do? I’m still figuring this stuff out. I’m not ready to commit to a relationship anytime soon, but damnit, a little middle ground wouldn’t hurt.
Still, I’m counting this dysfunctional experience as sex. As crazy, and ego-deflating as it was, it still beats a blank. And it yielded this post. So you see, everybody wins. Chalk it up!
yoursonginmyear said,
December 8, 2011 at 3:28 pm
It still counts! Even if it wasn’t great. That is so f’ing weird that she just got up. I would NEVER do that. I can think of one instance where something strange happened: Once when my bf at the time and I were finished, I immediately ran to the bathroom and threw up. Can’t say I knew why, I must have been coming down with something. So, maybe there is a reason, but it’s still rude and odd. Happy you got laid though!
woodynyou said,
December 8, 2011 at 5:44 pm
She was definately a little drunk, but still. She mumbled something about turning into a pumpkin. I’m more confounded than upset. On to the next adventure!
yoursonginmyear said,
December 8, 2011 at 6:59 pm
Lol, about turning into a pumpkin. Oh goodness. Let’s chalk this one up to a funny experience more than anything else.
househo said,
December 8, 2011 at 6:53 pm
Did you make her orgasm? Seems she had a time constraint or you did something she didn’t care for. She is bold to leave you hanging like that. As a gal I am impressed she did this. On you end it is quite confusing.
woodynyou said,
December 8, 2011 at 8:39 pm
That’s the first comment I’ve ever received that I’ve taken offense at. So interesting that you jumped right to the place where it had to be the loutish, insensitve guys fault. No, I did not make her orgasm – we were having sex for 10 or fifteen minutes. The next time I’ll have to remember that speed is of the essence.
I can’t think of anything I did that was offensive. I didn’t hit her, I didn’t call her a cunt, and I didn’t ask her to pee on me. Maybe she wanted more of a ‘take charge’ guy. Who knows? SHE WAS THERE FOR 15 MINUTES!
I wouldn’t have been pissed off if you hadn’t have prasied Kathy’s boldness. Funny, where I come from that’s called being rude. If she had told me why she was leaving, then we wouldn’t be having this conversation.
But I love when people default to the guy must be a creep. I’m a 5′ fucking 8, 140 pounds, balding Jewish jazz musician. How much pussy do you think I’m getting, and how much pussy is the 6′ arrogant asshole with a huge cock is getting?
I’m a smart, funny, and yes, good looking guy, but I’m often going to lose out to the jerk for reasons I have no control over — the alpha male who treats women like shit. You think those guys give a rats ass about giving a woman an orgasm? Maybe that’s my problem. Maybe I care too much about it.
I understand and accept the Darwinian principal of life. Not only that, I’ve had plenty of good experiences over the years, and expect to have a few more before I retire.
But don’t tell me that you are impressed with a woman for leaving in the middle of sex because I didn’t get her off in 10 minutes with my magnum sized tool. That’s weak.
Kiki said,
December 9, 2011 at 4:54 pm
Maybe she could tell that you weren’t attracted to her and were just using her for sex. You can’t really refer to it as “lovemaking” when you say repeatedly that you weren’t into her, and critique her as being “overweight” and not very attractive. I get that it’s your blog and you can say what you want (and I know, oh how I know how it sucks to be sexually frustrated) but you don’t come off as all that attractive in this one yourself.
She probably had a “WTF am I doing?!” moment and fled. It would have been more polite to say something like “I just can’t go through with this” but really, some dude I just met and who thinks nothing more of me than an opportunity to get his dick wet is hardly a catch, nor deserving of a lengthy explanation. It isn’t like you had a relationship.
woodynyou said,
December 9, 2011 at 7:50 pm
That’s fair, Kiki. Part of my problem is that I’m thinking like a little kid — it’s magical thinking in a sense. I expect these hookups to work on a sexual and personal level. When you step back and look at it realistically, it is damn near impossible for these situations to work. You’re right, I felt little attraction to her at first, but (and perhaps my writing didn’t make this clear enough) by the time we left the bar I had warmed to her personally and felt attracted.
By the way, so what if I said she was overweight? She was. Just like I am skinny and balding. Am I only allowed to describe people with perfect looks? OK, I can understand how that would touch a chord — I even thought as much while I was writing it. I have always tried to bring honesty to this blog, and to that end I am often the goat of my posts. But then I think, maybe Im not really the goat. It could be that I’m setting myself up as a kind of antihero — a loveable fuckup.
Again I am struck by the default assumption that it is the man that is taking advantage. She is the one who steered the conversation towards underware, and she was the one who started making out with me in the bar. True, I asked her to come home with me, so I am culpable in that sense.
But you know what? If I’m going to write frankly about sex and life, I have to be man enough to take some criticism. I can’t always be right or act right, and I shouldn’t expect others to be as well.
All I’m saying is just do the right thing. If you’re going to leave in the middle of sex — I don’t care if we met five minutes ago — just say why.
yoursonginmyear said,
December 9, 2011 at 10:17 pm
Woody, I am going to hop back into this convo. I could possibly be considered overweight by some and I didn’t take offense in the least to what you said. (My BMI is actually fine, but some people just looking might wonder..) You were just being honest.
And I will tell you, I actually had an experience similar to this when I was 19. I had met a man, he had openly flirted with me, numbers were exchanged, we ending up meeting at his house one night. We were having a great time, he told me some really personal stuff. Then while we were having sex, some snaffu (lol sp?) happened, can’t remember what. I laughed, it threw him off. He said, “I can’t do this.” Wtf. I never knew why, I’m kind of happy I don’t know. I took it like a woman, got my stuff, and left. Never speaking to him again..
The moral of this story is, shit happens. Laugh it off, get over it. Not sure why everyone is freaking out about this story. I am happy you are putting yourself out there, it’s all you can do, and you are making the best of it.
woodynyou said,
December 10, 2011 at 7:19 pm
Yoursong, you are right. And so are the other commenters. (except about all men being beasts, but she didn’t really say that — that was me extrapolating, so SHUT UP, WOODY) I’m going to get on to the next post and the next chapter of my life. I should know — nothing stays the same. Everything changes and today is another day.
Dangerous times « The Middle Aging said,
December 20, 2011 at 7:07 pm
[...] it was good experience — especially since I hadn’t really had sex (except for that one recent, curtailed encounter) for a long [...]